All men are parasites. So argued evolutionary biologist Steve Jones, in his book Y: The Descent of Men. Certainly most women who have been in a lifelong romantic relationship with a man would agree – that men are a constant drain on a woman’s resources, that men always make sure to take more than they give, and that men have never gotten more for doing less.
Naturally, the human male lacks the basic self-awareness necessary to recognize himself as a parasite. The man who performs cunnilingus with the frequency of a solar eclipse fancies himself the World’s Greatest Lover. The man who shuts the bathroom door before passing a rotten stool fancies himself the World’s Greatest Husband. The man who refrains from beating and groping his children fancies himself the World’s Greatest Dad. Just as delusional, the average man wildly overestimates the value of his financial contribution, as if intermittent cash can compensate for leaving your partner and offspring to wander adrift in a lonely desert.
One male friend said to me, “I gave my wife two beautiful children, what more could she want?” A male acquaintance said, “There’s no greater gift a man can give a woman than a new life in a new country.” There are two disturbing implications to these statements: first, that a woman requires nothing more to satisfy her than a baby and a green card, and second, that these gifts are offered only in exchange for a lifetime of unrequited gratitude and servitude. The first friend also whined, “I had an affair because my wife wasn’t meeting my needs.” Like most men, he expected his wife to anticipate and gratify his every desire, in return for nothing more than sperm. When she failed to do so, she was chucked for a much younger woman – fresh blood for his insatiable vampirism.
Ironically, as women continue to advance further in their education and employment, men are escalating their soul-sucking behavior, reaching new lows of apathy, sponging off higher and higher status females, rendering themselves as useless and revolting as the puckered scrotum of a centenarian. Napping in their comfortable position atop the patriarchy, men seem to have no motivation to make any meaningful contribution to their relationships, much less show an ounce of appreciation. Studies show that single and divorced men do far more housework and personal grooming than co-habitating and married men; meaning that once a man snags a woman, he lets himself go to seed, the loss of effort matched by the loss of muscle tone and the gain of ear hair.
Divorce is initiated by the wife in 75% of cases, but why do women allow their sluggard husbands to phlebotomize and lobotomize them for years first? Because our confidence-robbing culture brainwashes women into believing that a lousy man is better than no man at all. Because women are told that a “good man” is a rare commodity, and we are pressured to lower our standards and settle for Mr. Okay. The slot machine theory also holds true: a man “pays out” just often enough to keep a woman plunking in coins, though her investment will never be recouped. In short, woman are expected to eat crumbs and crusts off of the floor, while men can expect to eat at the buffet.
The good news is that the solution rests in the hands and hearts of women, not men. Simply raise your sons not to be freeloaders, and raise your daughters not to be doormats. Warn your mothers, aunts, sisters, nieces, female friends and female co-workers about the practices of parasites: how they exploit, sicken, sterilize, consume and often kill their host, before moving onto the next target. And if you have a parasite in your own life, treat him as you would treat a leech: use a blunt object to break the seal of the oral sucker at the anterior end, repeat with the posterior end, and then flick the leech away.